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Is Love a Trap?

Updated: May 14, 2021

My podcast is back!! Yes, I suck at recording and yes it's waaaaaay overdue but it's back!

So Hard - A Sexuality Podcast for Men

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We have this idea that love, freedom, acceptance and understanding are all separate concepts. This is false. It’s just love. Love is the ultimate freedom. The ultimate acceptance. The ultimate understanding. These are all one.

My favorite concept to teach is unconditional love. I always say, it is not a magical beam that God shoots down from heaven upon you - it is a skill. Unconditional love is the ability to accept all parts of a person, regardless of whether or not all of those parts fulfill your needs.

Did you notice the key word there? Accept. The ability to accept someone fully for who they are right now without trying to change them in order for you to feel safe.

We all want to be loved and we all want to be free, but there is an interesting fracture in conditioning when it comes to love. Societal conditioning says love = entrapment. This is the program many men are living. The truth is that love, real love, is the highest level of freedom you can experience.

But this subtle conditioning teaches that we are safe when free, but unsafe when in a relationship. We want love. We want to be loved. We want to be intimate and close, but… our false idea of love feels TOO close. It relies upon you too much. It smothers. It chains. This conditioning that says love is entrapment is not love. It is need.

Genuine love looks at you and says - you are enough just the way you are. I need nothing from you. I am just happy you exist.

Real love is very difficult. We have so many layers of conditioning and trauma that cause us to defend ourselves against love, against being soft, open, vulnerable - giving of the self. Giving of the heart. We have been taught over and over that it will cause pain. But this is the thing - without pain, you would have never loved at all. Loss and love. They are a package deal. It’s the denial of this. The avoidance of this. The trying to control an outcome to not feel that pain that, in many relationships, crushes the love out of them. This is the need we are all trying to obtain. The avoidance of pain.

Separating love and freedom causes suffering.

Freedom without love is like skydiving without a parachute.

Love without freedom is like living in a jail cell.

This is the paradox we live in as human beings. Real love, genuine love is the acceptance of loss. The acceptance of pain. These are massively difficult concepts to digest and practice. We are hardwired to avoid pain and loss. But when you can fully accept, then you set yourself and your partner free. Free to be who they are. Free to be enough. Free to love without holding anything back.

Love is the highest level of freedom.

Genuine love. It’s the whole point of life.

--- Thanks for reading. If you like what I’m up to, subscribe to my podcast, check out or reach out to for my programs, 1:1 coaching for men and couples and my blog.

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